Everyday was a life of three different characters. In the morning I went to school, I the afternoon I was training with my company and in the evening I had dance classes at the gym..
At the dance company I quickly gained the nickname “Giada the ballerina” At sixteen I met Damiano, a thug, he was 4 years older than me and was already in trouble with the law and because I was underage I was always kept out of his thefts, muggings and robberies.
One evening I decided not to go home, I decided to stay out late like everyone else and that was the day that changed everything, since that time I have always done what I wanted without any exceptions.
My parents didn’t punish me and I realised they had no hold over me. I had my first contact with cocaine when I was sixteen at home with a forty year old acquaintance of mine.
Before that moment I only snorted cocaine because I wanted to be with the cool people, then the drugs spread around the workplace and now it was freely available and became second nature.
At seventeen I left the dance company because I started using heroin and I kept a distance, also I no longer wanted to show myself in public. If my name was associated with punks I would have lost all credibility to work within dance.
So I lost my group of friends and met an older man, we start going out and he introduced me to a couple and from there we started to sell cocaine and I used continuously. I didn’t sleep for days, at school I would arrive completely destroyed and from that moment I couldn’t let go of cocaine.
My life now was full of different personalities that I had created, personalities that I had to maintain and keep alive even if they didn’t reflect the real me. I always had to be the center of attention, the protagonist, I had to be considered by others because I was never considered by the most important people in my life.
I needed to be loved, but I would run away when I felt it. I could not handle the emotions, I was not accustomed to, I was frightened. All these things went hand in hand and clashed, everyday became unbearable for me. Managing all of these emotions was just getting to heavy for me.
I went to Milan to dance and I didn’t get to meet the dancer I would have hoped too but instead met drug dealers and pushers in the neighbourhood . In that moment, through people I frequented, I realised for the first time who I was, who I had become. I didn’t have the attention of dance teachers and dancers, but only that of drug dealers.
By now my body could not withstand more than nine hours at the academy, I wasn’t able to do anymore. At work I earned good money and I liked it, but I was always around looking for drugs, I wasn’t sleeping, I was violent and aggressive, I needed to calm down, so I began to use large amounts of weed.
One day I finished work at 3pm and had a course at 7:30pm. I lay on the couch and began to smoke as usual and at that point I found myself with a choice, smoke another joint and collapse or stop, get up and get ready for the lesson.
I do not know at that moment what happened inside my mind, but I smoked the last joint and collapsed. I woke up at 8:30pm, missing the lesson, it was the first time in fifteen years that I had missed a lesson, I felt terrible.
That was the moment when I realized that it was over, I had reached the limit, and after this moment there would be nothing else.
I went immediately to work and apologised to Elena telling her that I overslept. She looked at me, she had figured it all out, no words were necessary.
Giada